The Happiness Deficit

Ivan Turcin's What Makes Me Sad

"If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim." -- Richard Bach

It's nearly 2025. Depression is rampant. Everyone on the internet perceives themselves as attacked, and you as the perpetual villain. Likewise, you are the victim of everyone else's attacks. The world is against you, as it is against everyone else, and we can't do a thing about it except complain about the actions of others. My unhappiness is everyone's fault but mine. 

Our society is drowning in an overdiagnosis of mental disorders. While there are people with genuine conditions, our tendency to self-diagnose and to use language surrounding mental health casually ("I'm so OCD," "that's literally so traumatizing," "OMG, I have PTSD from that") not only takes away from those who are actually struggling with a debilitating disorder but also allows us to throw the blame for our problems onto someone or something else. When we can say that we are victimized in some way, whether that's for our age, sex, sexuality, race, religion, mental disorder, or literally anything else, it allows us a scapegoat to say that our life problems are the fault of someone else. 

"I can't get a good job because the patriarchal workforce is against women." 

"No one wants to be friends with me because I'm gay." 

"I'm failing my classes because my teacher doesn't like immigrants." 

We don't even have to get into our identities though. 

"If so-and-so had just done their part, our group project would've gotten a good grade." 

"If my mom had helped me study, I would've passed my AP exams."

"I would be cast in a better role if the directors liked me more."

We victimize ourselves over and over and over, and it allows us to place every single one of our problems and failures onto another person. You don't have to take responsibility for anything. Every problem in your life can be someone else's fault if you let it. Surely it's easier if you do it that way. Surely it's easier to allow others to be the fault of our problems, instead of acknowledging our own failure. Right?

Wrong. 

Yes, there are circumstances where a situation may genuinely not be your fault, but in approximately 98% of circumstances, things aren't one-sided. You cannot ever be entirely free of blame. In some way, whether big or small, you are at fault for everything that happens in your life. Take the blame.

I'm not suggesting you start beating yourself up about every little thing and claiming complete fault in every part of your life. I'm suggesting you switch up your perspective. Wake up. Stop looking at your life in terms of what other people have done to you, how other people have hurt you or wronged you, and start looking at what you've done for yourself. It's not about how others have made your life worse. What have you done to make your life better?

I know so many young, healthy, fortunate people who say "I hate my family, I can't wait to move out, I can't wait to go to college, I'll be happier when I'm somewhere else." Wrong. Guess what? You're not going to feel any better in college. Moving locations, getting out of your house? It's not going to help. If you hate your life now, you'll still hate it then. You'll still be sad. You'll still be anxious. You'll still feel like your life is pointless. 

What's going to make you feel better isn't moving to a new state or making a lot of money. It's taking control of your own life. Look at your life, your every day. Ask yourself, In the circumstances that I'm in, how can I make my life better? How can I, right here where I am, learn to be happy again?

I'm not speaking from a place of high and mighty perpetual happiness. I'm not talking down to you from a perfect family, from a mansion or a limo. I'm saying this as a teenage girl in an incredibly busy household. I'm the oldest daughter of six children. I get incredibly anxious. I had a period of depression. I am deeply lonely and hopelessly romantic. I fight with my siblings. I get burnt out. None of us have perfect circumstances, myself included. But happiness isn't about having perfect circumstances. 

You are never going to feel better if you blame all of your problems on other people, because you can never control other people's actions. Likewise, you're never going to feel better if you blame your problems on your circumstances, because you can't control those either, especially not in high school. (Shocker, I know.) 

The only thing you can control is your reaction to other people and your circumstances, and what you choose to do about it. If you choose to blame circumstances, then good luck. The only thing that's ever going to make you feel better, happier, stronger, healthier, is when you get off your butt and take control of the way you're living in your circumstances. 

I was miserable and burnt out this time last year, but I set New Year's resolutions and decided I was going to start getting up earlier in the morning. I'm still not good at waking up at 6 AM, but the point of resolutions isn't to accomplish them. It's to have something to work towards, whether you reach that goal or not. 

If you want to be happier, you have to understand that nothing is stopping you from changing how you live. No one is holding you back. The only thing stopping you from living the life you want is yourself. 

"I'll be happy when I'm a New York Times best-selling author who lives in a perfect apartment in New York with two adopted kids. I'll be happy when my life is perfect and I can pay my bills and I don't stress about anything. I'll be happy when I move out and away from home and I'm done with school."

Guess what? If you keep waiting for happiness, it's never going to come. You can't just sit around and decide what circumstances you'll finally be happy in because you can't guarantee those circumstances will ever take place. You have to find happiness in the places that you are right now. 

Ask yourself, what was the best part of your day? Figure out what parts of your life bring you happiness where you are right now. Find ways to enhance those things and make them bigger parts of your life. You can't ever shut out sadness completely, but you can certainly find more happiness. 

"I saw a really pretty sunrise this morning and it made me happy." Watch more sunrises. Get up earlier and go find a good view. 

"I had a salad today and I really enjoyed the way that eating healthy made me feel." So make more salads. Eat healthier more often. 

Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, and drink a whole glass of water.

If you like coffee, have a coffee with your breakfast. 

If journaling makes you feel calm, write a journal entry, and if stickers make you happy then add some stickers.

If you want to read more often, nothing is stopping you from reading a book. Read one chapter. If you don't have time, read two pages. 

Find the little things in life that make you happy. Stop blaming everyone else and start picking up those little things. Nothing is stopping you from being happy and finding more ways to be happy. Once you figure that out, once it clicks for you, that's when your life will start to feel full. You won't start to feel happy until you realize that no one is stopping you from feeling happy. You might have terrible circumstances. You can still be happy. You might not be where you want in life. You can still be happy. 

Paul the apostle of Jesus Christ was in jail for years, suffering horrible mistreatment. He was still happy because he found joy in the love of Christ despite his circumstances. (Joy is an entirely new level of happiness, and if you want a permanent solution, Jesus is the way to go.) Regardless of your religious beliefs, however, you have to understand that happiness is not a stage of life. It is not a place in life. It is not graduating, having the perfect job, or having financial stability. Happiness is not circumstantial. Happiness is a mindset. 

Our culture has completely forgotten how to be happy. Having the new Taylor Swift vinyl or the perfect wardrobe isn't going to make you happy, and neither will having your own apartment or getting away from your family. 

The only thing that's going to make you happy is you choosing to be happy.