The Problem with Liking a Boy

Movie Star by Norman Rockwell

"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person." -- John Green's Paper Towns

Having a crush is fun. It's exciting to think about him, sneak glances at him across the room, or think about talking to him, and make Spotify playlists dedicated to him. 

Having a crush is also agonizing and makes you want to tear your hair out (or cut it off), especially if it has no shot of working out. 

It's a dilemma every teenage girl (and maybe guy, though I can't speak for them) has had to deal with at some point. We have some person at school or at church that we think is cute, and suddenly we think they're everything, sometimes without really knowing them at all. 

There's actually a philosophical principle that addresses this. Developed by Stendhal, crystallization is a term that defines the universal problem with a crush, that both makes them perfect and makes them unattainable. The moment we begin to like someone, we stop seeing them as they really are, and instead see them only as we want to, only in a way that fulfills our desires, usually enhancing their personality and looks to the point that we don't really like them at all, but instead like the "crystallized" version of them we've made up in our heads. Essentially, we're all sitting around liking people who don't even exist, at least not in the sense that we imagine they do. 

When you don't know someone that well, it's easy to take the small aspects of a person you do know and fill in the gaps between with whatever suits you. In some cases, crystallization works well. The best example is the idea of a celebrity crush. It's pretty likely that you'll go your whole life never actually meeting this person, and thus nothing is stopping you from creating a whole personality to match their looks. They could be a total jerk in person, but since you'll probably never meet them in person, that's not something you need to worry about. 

The problem is when we start to crystallize someone we do know in person. That passing stranger at the grocery store probably won't mind if you make up a whole personality for them, but when it's a classmate or fellow youth group member, or anyone else we see on a regular basis, crystallization starts to fall apart. The reason for this is that when we're filling in the gaps for a person we don't know that well, we usually don't bother sprinkling some flaws into our imagined version of the person. Instead, we elevate them to a totally unrealistic level. The person we know probably has some flaws, some of which might even be obvious, but the person we create is almost always going to be perfect. They never smell weird, their hair is always flawless, they're funny and smart and oh-so talented. But they also don't exist. 

When we create a version of a person that not only doesn't exist, but also is way more perfect than the real version of them, then it becomes hard for us to acknowledge the reality. If we've fallen head over heels for the perfect version, why on earth would we lower our standards for the reality? This is why people "get the ick." We fall for the flawless version and then are repulsed by the imperfect reality. When that person's laugh sounds weirder than we imagined, or they're actually more clingy than we thought, it creates dissonance between what we thought they were like and what they're actually like. 

If you like someone, you're going to feel inclined to talk to him and want to get to know him further. But if you talk to him, he becomes real, and you have to acknowledge that he's not perfect. When you acknowledge his flaws, suddenly you lose interest. It's a deadly cycle. Essentially, if you like someone, you have to prove it by throwing away the perfect version and risking losing feelings when faced with reality. 

So if talking to our crush makes the feelings disappear, what are we supposed to do? There are a few options, none of them great. 

1. Never talk to him. As long as you maintain the perfect, pedestal version of him, and refuse to shatter it by getting to know the real him, then you can keep the fun part of having a crush (as well as the agony). The downside is that it'll never lead to anything, since you never bothered to get to know him or introduce yourself. He probably won't realize you exist, and then will start to date someone else, and then he'll stop being perfect anyway.
2. Shatter the crystallized version, and just hope and pray that the reality is close enough to fiction. It's pretty unlikely he'll come close to what you imagined, especially in high school, but if he does, and you don't lose feelings when you meet the real him, then it's probably a sign you're on the right path. If you like the real version of him, there's a lot more potential for a future relationship, as long as he also likes the real version of you. 
3. Don't be delusional in the first place. This one is virtually impossible since it seems to me that our brains just want to admire someone, even if afterward you sit back and wonder how you could've liked that person. But, in theory, if you're really strict with yourself, you could acknowledge how little you know about him and shove away imagined versions and playlists, and instead keep everything very factual and realistic. But where's the fun in that?

I really can't tell you which road to take, and there are probably even more options than the few I've suggested. But what do I know? I've never had a boyfriend, so clearly I don't know how to get past the crystallization stage. It's a problem that has yet to be solved, and I imagine we'll continue putting each other on pedestals for a long time coming. But maybe, if you can get to know the reality, he just might like you back.