(Don't) Put Yourself First

After the Ball by Carl Fröschl

There's a new brand of self-help. One that I like to call self(help)ishness, because it operates under a principle of putting oneself and one's interests firsts, or, in other words, selfishness. We don't owe anyone anything, and we can drop anything that doesn't serve us or our interests. Your time belongs to you. You don't owe it to any one, and you're not responsible for other people's feelings or how they interpret your actions. You have to do what's best for you, and if someone else is upset by that, screw them. 

Here's the thing. Self(help)ishness isn't entirely wrong. These points do stand, somewhat. We don't really owe anyone anything. No one really deserves our kindness or time. And obviously in situations of abuse or neglect, we should leave behind painful relationships. Why then, if it's at least partially true, do I call this mindset selfish?

For the Christian especially, self(help)ishness doesn't work. If we profess Christ, we cannot also profess the self. Christ calls us to love sacrificially, to place his kingdom and his glory before our own pride, interests, and desires. This means that we should give to people what we don't owe to them, pursue relationships with them, and do what's best for others. We should pursue not our own happiness, but service to Christ and others. And sometimes this comes at a cost. Sometimes, to glorify God, we have to love people who are hard to love, or who don't love us back. We have to give up some of our own desires in order to help others. We may have to set aside our own groceries to help someone pick up their spilled change. We may have to lay down our ambitions of Hollywood to raise a child. And we cannot prioritize our self and our own gratification. 

Surely, however, this service to others is a hallmark of Christianity alone. Surely, the atheist can choose to love themselves without any moral impediment. Technically, this is true. If you have no moral guidebook and don't hold to Christianity, then there isn't any reason that you can't prioritize your own happiness. But is it really worth it?

Sacrifice builds relationships. Postponing your dinner to call a friend shows that friend that you care about speaking to them. Splitting a cookie with your sister shows her that you want her to share your joy. Closing TikTok or Instagram to go answer a friend's text shows that you would rather support them than engage in your own downtime. My brother doesn't have to pause his game to kill a spider for me, but he chooses to, because he knows it's a way that he can express love. Nothing forces you to sacrifice things for others, but sacrifice builds relationships and draws people closer together. You don't have to give up things for your friends and family, but you can't have the best of both worlds. Sacrifice is a necessary component for strong relationships, and it's unrealistic to constantly prioritize yourself yet also expect others to want to pour into you. 

But what about those who don't pour into you? What about those who ignore you sometimes, or who get on your nerves, or who you don't really want to be friends with but feel guilty about not being friends with? Once more, in an abusive situation, you should leave. But the reality is that most situations are not abusive. Most situations, even if difficult, are just that. Difficult. And as I've pointed out before, difficult people are not necessarily toxic people. That being said, we should still operate under the same kindness and humility that creates good relationships, even with people who don't fill our cup or spark joy. Even if they don't pour into you, you should still pour into them. 

Why? Because it's the kind thing to do. Sure, maybe that person acted a bit selfishly or hurt your feelings or simply isn't your cup of tea, but they're still a person. They still deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and kindness. Obviously, you deserve the same, but can we really be out here asking others to treat us with kindness without being willing to share the same love with them? Instead of saying we're going to drop anyone who doesn't treat us the way we want to be treated, maybe we should try to treat everyone else the way we want to be treated, and lead by example. 

It's cliche, but kindness really is free. So why live a life that puts ourselves first at the cost of everyone around us, when we could offer kindness and compassion to everyone else, and gain joy in the process? Why hold others to standards of perfection that even we can't reach, and cut them off when they inevitably fail? Why be selfish, under the guise of self-help, when we could just get off our high horse and learn to love people regardless of the fact that it might be uncomfortable?

Sure, people don't really deserve your time, energy, or kindness, especially if you believe they're inherently bad. But if you don't bend a knee, if you remain proud and selfish and desire to put yourself first all the time, then you might have temporary satisfaction, but you won't have lasting relationships. If we want meaningful friendships and relationships, then we need to stop being so selfish. We need to put others first, rather than ourselves, and recognize that no matter how much it might feel like it, the world doesn't revolve around us.