Goodbyes with Grace

Fond Farewell by Nigel Mason

People come into our lives. They change us. Sometimes, they stay with us long enough to be our maid of honor or the Godparent of our children. Other times, they simply fade out of our lives. Occasionally, they stab us in the back and say really awful things before never speaking to us again. 

Goodbyes are painful. Usually, they hurt both parties, even if the decision was mutual. I am seventeen years old. I have not met every single person I will love yet, but I have already lost dozens of relationships that I used to cherish. In the many goodbyes I've given, I have said things that I regret. It is from those regrets that I have learned how to say goodbye with grace, and the way that I want to be remembered when a relationship ends.

I used to be so uncomfortable with ending friendships that I didn't say anything at all. I simply stopped speaking. I stopped replying, stopped answering calls, and gave no explanation at all. I just ghosted people. Some very nice girls have had their feelings hurt and have had to deal with confusion and concern when I could have simply explained my feelings. I have also been the person to be ghosted, and I can assure you that it is painful. To care about someone and be genuinely concerned for their welfare, only to be greeted with silence where you used to receive affection, is unexplainable. It leaves you confused and worried, and makes you wonder whether you did something wrong. Ghosting someone is one of the worst ways to end a relationship. 

However, I understand the reasoning for wanting to ghost someone. Like I said, goodbyes are painful. They are scary. Sometimes, we don't have the words to explain why we want out. Instead of trying to find those words, it can feel easier to ignore the issue and not say anything at all. But you have a legacy. You have a reputation. Do you want to be remembered with concern and hurt? Genuine care for the other person requires you to have the humility to explain yourself.

A year and a half ago, I went through a very nasty friendship breakup. Where open communication about our feelings, dreams, and beliefs had once been, I found myself treading on eggshells, as every disagreeable sentence could cause unintentional offense. I felt restricted and caged with the limitations in conversation she had given me, and didn't know what to talk about with her anymore, since former topics had been banned. Slowly, we talked less and less, if only because I had nothing to say to the few things she was willing to discuss with me. Then out of the blue one day, she DMed me on Instagram. I don't know why she didn't text or call. The messages she sent were unkind. They were hurtful and hateful. At first I was mad, but I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean, so I put my phone away and cried on my mom's shoulder. 

I think this is the first step to ending a relationship with grace. Taking a step back. Giving yourself the time to process emotions and calm down allows you to think clearly about the situation and what you want to say. It allows you to understand what exactly is bothering you, what you want the solution to be, and how you want to be remembered. Oftentimes, when we are hurt by goodbyes, our response is anger. We want the other person to feel the same pain we do, to make them understand the way they made us feel. We want them to cry just as much as we did. The desire to hurt as a defensive mechanism is real. That's why it's so important to take a break. To recognize that being bitter or saying something unkind won't make us feel better. It will give, at most, three minutes of satisfaction, and then we will find ourselves hurting more than we did before. 

So if not spitting fire, what are we supposed to do? 

Walk in with humility. This person might never want to speak to you again. You might have seriously hurt them, or they might have seriously hurt you. Either way, start with humility. Apologize. If they have accused you of any wrongdoing, recognize that they may be right and you may be guilty. Even if you didn't mean to cause harm, you still might have. Become conscious of that possible error, and apologize for it. And not "I'm sorry that you were upset about that." A genuine apology. "I am sorry that I said that." Explain your intentions kindly if you need to, but recognize the damage you may have caused. 

Recognize the end. Regardless of who started the goodbye, it's happening. You can't simply ignore it. "I understand that you may not want to be friends anymore." On the other hand, "I don't want to keep doing this." You can be kind about it, but be honest and open about the state of the relationship, and whether or not you want to save it. 

Decide if the door is still open. That person may never want to speak to you again. Are you okay with that? Do you want to speak to them? If they have seriously hurt or abused you in some way, that door might be closed. But if they are simply someone who is hurting or insecure, who you still care about and who may still need you, that door may still be open. "I still care about you." "I still love you." "I'm here for you if you ever need anything." Just because things are ending doesn't mean that you have to be permanent enemies for the rest of your lives, or that you hate them. There might come a day when they need you or you need them, and if you want to leave that option available, make it clear. 

The key to handling a goodbye with grace is to communicate. Be honest and kind. State your reasoning. Express your feelings. If you can't do that without crying, then cry. It is perfectly normal to cry. But don't scream and blame, don't go silent and ghost them. Explain yourself as best and kindly as you can. It might be goodbye for now, but you never know how deeply that goodbye might impact someone.