The Struggle of Surrender

Untitled by Mark Tennant

I believe that the Bible is entirely true. I believe that it is the infallible Word of God, and that no part of it is false or wrong. I also believe that God has complete authority over all things. However, I have recently found a distinction between what I believe and what I am comfortable believing, particularly regarding God's authority.

The book of Romans makes it fairly clear that, at least to some extent, predestination does exist. I don't plan to get into an intense theological argument here, but I bring this up to make an example. I believe the truth of what the Bible says about God's predestination of certain peoples and His authority to execute that predestination. However, I grapple repeatedly with the justice of this action; I struggle to reconcile God's love for all people with the idea of an elect. God is just, and Paul even explains in Romans 8 how this idea is just, but to my human mind, it is very difficult to be comfortable with this belief, despite the fact that I do believe it. 

In a less extreme example, I have a little brother who is very delayed, both mentally and physically, due to an unfortunate genetic lot. I believe once more that God has authority over all things and that He does have the power to heal my brother completely. I read dozens of stories of His miraculous healing in Scripture and beyond. And while I am comforted by this possibility, the fact that God may not heal my brother (at least not on earth) is very difficult for me to reckon with. I have to understand the fact that no matter how badly I want my brother to be healed, no matter how much I want him to be able to read the Bible and understand prayer, that may never happen here on earth. The knowledge that God could do something miraculous, but that He may not, is very bittersweet for me, and it is nearly impossible to surrender my desires to His will. 

Surrendering our lives, particularly our desires, to God's will is one of the most long-standing difficulties of Christian faith. We know that God is all-powerful and all-loving, and we know that His will is superior to ours, yet it is so hard to let go of the things that we want. I want to be in control of my life. I want to have perfect decision-making power, perfect grades, and a perfect face. The fact that I have to let go of those desires and surrender to His plan is difficult. It's a sense of cognitive dissonance, the refusal to give up my fallible plan for one I know is better, but it is justified by pride.

Over and over in my life, I encounter my own pride. I think that I have eradicated it, but even thinking that I am above being prideful is prideful in itself. I am prideful in many ways. I believe that my sin is too big for God, too dirty for God, and that He is not powerful enough to handle it. I believe that my plan is the right plan, that everyone should do things my way, and that I am the boss of the universe. I am prideful to no end, and I am constantly working to disable my pride and surrender my plans. 

I don't think I'm the only one who struggles to surrender. I have found myself on my knees in prayer over and over, begging for God to execute His will and strip mine away. I have begged that if my brother cannot know my name, he would at least know Jesus's. I have let go of my pride in my appearance. I have given Him authority over my college plans. Surrender is a constant battle. 

I may never fully surrender my life, as I will always be coming up with new things I want to hold onto, and God will always be reminding me that I don't need to carry those burdens. The most I can do is study His Word, recognize truth, and prayerfully let go of everything that is not truth. I may try to pick up the things I have put down, but I have faith that with time, He can help me to let go of pride and become comfortable in the struggle of surrender.