I Reject the Talking Stage

Saturday Night Two-Step
by Connie Chadwell

Dating has become overcomplicated. Throughout history, the process has increasingly expanded. 

1. Single, then married. 
2. Single, engaged, and then married. 
3. Single, dating, engaged, married. 
4. Single, talking, situationship, friendzoned, talking again, dating, promise ring, engaged, married. 

How did we wander so far from clarity? The "talking stage" is a common phenomenon now, though no one over the age of twenty-five understands what it means. You're not just friends, but you're not dating. You like each other, but you can't say that out loud. You might kiss, but you're not dating; you're just talking. It's like a test of whether you want to date, without actually calling it dating. 

The talking stage can go on for months. Some of my friends, when asked how long they've been dating their boyfriend or girlfriend, begin by counting three to four months of "talking." Three to four months of dancing around an issue, of "not dating," of testing the waters.

Some people don't see an issue with this. I would argue, however, that to spend multiple months of your life "talking" with someone to decide if you want to be in a relationship, giving away time, effort, peace of mind, and effectively tying yourself to a relationship unofficially, without any promise of actually reaping the harvest of stability and reciprocal feelings, is completely absurd and uncomfortable for everyone involved. The talking stage creates confusion about whether or not people are in a relationship, dances around our fear of dating and vulnerability, and claims all the fun of getting to know a person without any of the responsibility of actually being in a relationship. To categorize oneself in a talking stage elevates the basic action of getting to know a person beyond its ordinary platonic implications and creates a premature relationship status. 

I think the problem begins not with the talking stage itself, but with the way Gen Z views dating. When I ask my mom about her college years, she describes the fact that going on a first or even second date with someone, without committing to a long-term relationship, was completely normal. While I think this is still the case for many people, I also think that Gen Z, in our discomfort with social interaction that doesn't bear the protection of a screen, sees dating as something highly intimidating. 

Where previous generations were quick to date and landed in relationships at a young age, only about 30% of young adults are actively dating. This is not to say that everyone and their mother should be going out to dinner together, but it is to point out that we as a generation are a bit shy about getting to know one another and being vulnerable. Instead of going on a date to learn more about a person we are interested in, we scavenge for information over text message and claim the "talking stage" as a kind of lifeline to take all the practical steps of dating someone without the commitment of calling it dating. 

So what do I suggest instead? 

We should stop categorizing ourselves as "talking," giving false promises and an image of commitment and exclusivity that is completely undeserved. 

Girls, if you like a guy, make it clear. Don't give him fleeting eye contact and a smiley face in your text message. Smile at him in person, and hold a conversation. Guys, the same applies to you. If you like a girl, be open about it, and ask her on a date to get to know her. It doesn't mean you have to be her boyfriend or commit to getting married on the spot. It means you're putting your feelings out in the open and being honest about your intentions and the potential of a relationship. 

You can still get to know one another before committing to anything long-term, but be honest about the fact that you are not yet in a relationship. Do not claim a title of "talking" in order to tie yourself to a person who you are not truly in a relationship with. He or she can be someone you went on a date with, or just a friend, or a person you're interested in, without being your boyfriend or girlfriend. You don't have to put a title on it prematurely for the sake of your own comfort. 

I'm worried about our dating scene, but I truly believe that rejecting the concept of the talking stage is for the best. Either you are dating, or you're not, and there is no need to create a new relational category simply to fend off our fear of romance. Ask a girl on a date, or don't, but certainly do not put yourself in a false relational category.