Don't Be a Stranger

Untitled by Aimee Erickson

I've written much about adulthood and preparedness, and about the college transition. Honestly, however, I don't have it all figured out. While I'm so excited to move on to all the new opportunities and people awaiting me, I also dread leaving my family behind. I know how to say goodbye, but that's not what this is. I haven't said goodbye to anyone I've left so far, and I don't plan to. Why? Because I will see all of these people again, and I'd rather not leave off with an ending that suggests otherwise. 

Last year, my friend moved to California for school, all the way to the opposite side of the country. We are still friends, not because of reliance on fading memories, but because we stayed in touch. I spoke to several people who wondered how she was, and wished they knew what was going on in her life. The reason they didn't know? They never bothered to reach out. 

This is not to insist that you have to reach out, but more so to remind you that to maintain a relationship in which frequent in-person contact is unavailable, you have to reach out through other means. What does that look like, realistically speaking? As special as a hand-written letter is, we have the blessing (and burden) today of being able to communicate in real time through technology. 

Connection with someone far away (or close by) simply looks like remembering. Remembering who their new friends are, at least generally. Remembering when they have a special event, like a birthday or a job interview. Remembering the time difference between you. Remembering their address to mail them something. Taking the time and effort to store information about that person shows that you value them and their lives. 

"Let's really look at each other! . . . It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another." 
- Thornton Wilder's Our Town

When your friend tells you offhandedly what date she is moving, or that she has a big test coming up, write down the date. I promise you will forget it if you try to remember it without any assistance, so write it down. I like to put a reminder in my calendar. Somehow or another, make an effort to keep track of that date, and then reach out to them about how it went, or how you hope it will go, either around the date or the next time you speak. 

And when it comes to speaking, do not just send text messages. As convenient as they are, text messages have a history of erasing tone and intent from the speaker, and can be an easy source of miscommunication. Send texts, sure, but make sure to also call every now and then, or send a voice message. It can be nice to really hear someone speaking to you, especially in an age where it's easy to have AI draft texts. People want to hear your stutters and your "um," and they want to hear your real-time thoughts and have a window into your life.

If you have the time, mail them something. Just as you would send any friend close by a birthday present or buy them a coffee, you can do the same for a friend far away. It doesn't have to be big; even a postcard with a quick message shows that you care and you are thinking of them. 

Of course, all of this takes effort and sacrifice of your time and attention, but so does any relationship. Relationships are built on sacrifice. If you genuinely value a person's role and influence in your life, you have to be willing to give up your time for them. Relationships can flourish even across hundreds of miles and hours; you just have to be willing to put in the effort.